Been gone too long

But what can I say...I'm PREEEEEEEEEEEGNANT!  17 weeks. SO there. ANd I am gaining weight. And its not pretty. But what can u do? DONT ANSWER THAT!

damn

sometimes things are just out of our control. specifically other peoples actions. My husband is being a jerk and I dont really know what to do about it. These aren't clean cut problems, they are complicated and I feel like I need to find a good approach to them if I want to save my marriage. I'm just almost too stressed to think about it. I had a not so great weekend but yesterday was fine. I have thought about going to an early morning meeting to see if my weight loss will be greater, i think that would be a good motivator. My weight is always higher late at night than when I first get up in the morning and if I could see the scale at WW tell me that I am less than 280 that might be a great motivator. Lately it seems like I have alot of things going on in my life that dont have anything to do with my husband. Before, my world revolved around him and I was depressed. Now I have alot on my plate and I am stressed out. I am fed up with his attitude, the way that he has been treating me and the fact that I dont feel very loved anymore. I dont believe in just giving up. I dont believe in walking away from people just cuz things get sticky. We dont do that to our friends but people seem more than willing to do it to their spouses. What we all must realize is that no one is perfect and everyone is going to let u down sometime. The only thing that we can hold on to and trust is God and even He lets us stand on our own two feet and make our own choices.

Been doing fine

I have somewhat avoided EP cuz I failed so many times while using it that I wanted to start out normal this time. Just watching my weight, not putting it under a microscope.

I'm feeling a little more comfortable now and I would like to have a record of my journey to look back on when this part of it is all over. Doing something one has never done before can be scary and I can admit that I Get scared sometimes.

Last night I went a little overboard, and they were all concious decisions so I wont say that I was out of control. I ate alot of pizza and some dairy queen and some more pizza and some pop and I just felt like I was going to explode. Who knew that after a week only of watching portions and making better choices I would feel so awful from one night of going back to my old ways. But I totally did. So I thought a little bit about it and I am not going to beat myself up about it. I dont deserve that and it reallly isnt that big of a deal. I do however now realize some of the things that lead up to a big. First of all, not taking my antidepressant in the morning. Ordering large amounts of fast food, next time I am getting medium pizzas and if they are gone in two minutes, so be it. And not getting enough sleep  because when I am tired I do all sorts of strange things. And then I didnt have my water bottle so I didnt get even half as much water as I usually do in the morning that helps keep me comfy and flushed all day long. So I learned. It wasnt  a mistake per se, it was just a learning experience and I am glad that I had it now, so I can do something about it and not freak. My leader says that they dont want us to follow ww perfectly because its impossible. Just do the best that you can so that is what I am doing. And that is why I am succeeding. Glory be to GOd who I owe my life to. Amen.

Friends

Akikaze I am glad that you reached out to me.  Everything you said I am totally feeling or have felt. Lucky me I have little Koka to keep me in check. She is a love, she's honest with me. And that's what real friends do, they tell the truth. So I am writing this to say THANKS KOKA! I heart you girl! I started changing my eating habits 4 days ago. Today is day 5 and on Thursday I have weigh in. Even though that's not as important as it used to be. I just want to change the way that I eat, permanently.  Glory be to God, the Almighty Jehovah! AMEN!

Restarted weight watchers

-I told my leader that this was my last ditch effort and she told me that three girls that were sitting in there had already lost 100 pounds or more. That was motivating. I also signed up for 4 weeks so I have to do this. There is no or or but this time. I enjoyed the leader. She was funny and sweet and she seemed to really care. She said we are going to do this this time. She said she started and stopped several times. But she finally did it. So did I. We are having some money problems right now that are making it difficult to get ahold of the healthy foods that I need but by golly I am going to make an effort. It may take more time and planning than I used to put into it but thats what happens when you make a lifestyle change, it takes a little while.  I realize that if I am not losing I am gaining because I am already a big girl. I also know that my scale lies cuz it has been saying that I weigh 281 and I dont , I weigh 290. But not for long. I want to say never again but I haven't gotten that far yet. My goal is 10%, 261. Once I get there I will be closer to where I was before rather than farther. Then I'll worry about whatever but for now I am just going to take it one day at a time and not let food consume my life. There are so many other things going on l ike my new job and my son is getting so big so fast and saying all these words and Andres is doing better in school and my mom hates her job and wants a different one. I dont like this house that we are living in all that much but I'll deal for now. I want to get baptized as soon as possible. We have church tomorrow so that will be interesting as always.  I love learning about God . That place is crammed and its hard to hear though and I have to stay in the Bible study room with my son so I can't get a jist of all of the service. I think I may leave him at home with my mom tomorrow and just go with my Husband and my son Andres. We shall see. Either way I want to go and that just reminds me that I need to call my motherinlaw as well. I have a lot of bills I need to make sure are taken care of and I have to make some calls. So see? Food is not my life. It is not a cure all. It is not the only thing there is to do and the only thing there is to think about. I made it that way and I have unmade it. Life is so full of so many things to do and see and be and I am just hurting myself by not enjoying it to the fullest cuz I am too busy stuffing my face and then feeling embarrassed about stuffing my face. So food is finally taking a backseat to other more important things in life and food is going to be a chore just like any other, like laundry. Something that needs to be done but once it is I dont dwell on it or wish I could keep doing it all day long. I just do it cuz it is a part of taking care of myself and my family. So there. I think that is all that I have to say about that though I can tell that my fingers were just itching for a good typathon. Its been a while cuz my friend diana hasn't been online in a long time. Well, I am feeling sleepy and I am going to go check on the baby. Toodleloo!

I forgot I am fat

For a second anyways. Last night I was watching movies with my husband and I just forgot I was fat. That is, until I stood up and the memories when sliding down my body. I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning and I realized how much I look like an old woman, which would be fine if I was an old woman, but I am 25 and I feel like I am eating my life away. Whenever I get money I'm like hmmmm what nummy treat am I going to get with this? Where are we going to go and get some delicious food to gorge on? Fucking ridiculous is what it is. My boss was talking about how his mom is a geriatric nurse and that one of the things that is most found in peoples fat folds when they are losing weight is keys. Keys??? My goodness. ButI just can't get motivated enough to part ways with my faithful friend. I am an addict to the fullest definition of the word. I think food. I am food, all piled together, smooshed in and gelatinized. A whole bunch of food that I didn't need hanging off of me in weird places. For people who say that there is no magic to cure being fat, you are damn right. There sure as heck isn't and its even harder when you have a family like mine. My white mom likes sloppy joes and meatloaf and french silk pie. My Mexican husband likes all things fried and HOT. My baby boy prefers fruits and vegetables. My son will eat anything anyone else is eating and that's the reason he is overweight too.  My husband is a stick cuz he knows when to stop. He grew up hungry most of the time so he learned at an early age that food is not a priority. And I am expected to plan meals, grocery shop and cook for everyone. It seriously pisses me off. I don't like to plan meals. My lovehate relationship with food is aggravated by meal planning. I have decided not to use diet pills and not to get surgery. Either I lose this weight by my own balls or I die an unhappy severely obese person.  But when is the day going to be the right day? When will I be able to get up in the morning and just freaking do it? And keep doing it? going and going like the energizer bunny? when when when I want to know because sometimes I feel like I am so ready and then another speed bump comes that throws me off track again. The whole point is to eat less and move more. How hard could that be to fit in ones life? Well pretty freaking hard let me tell ya . Cuz u gotta eat, at least eventually u do. And there are some foods, like the majority of the ones that I eat that you can only have a small amount of infrequently if you want to lose weight. If that is the only food that u have access to you are going to be starving all the time or you are not going to lose weight.  So in order to lose weight and not be starving all the time you have to surround yourself with foods that have alot of nutrition and not alot of calories and fat so that you can eat enough to feel satified but not go overboard and you will still lose weight. Well, That means changing my environment which I do but then my mom comes a changing it back or i get too lazy to cook and everyone wants something different from a restaurant and mommys too tired to go to subway so u guessed it, i'll have what they are having. Exercise? I am an asthmatic smoker. If I quit smoking I gain weight. If I keep smoking I can't breath when I exercise. Its like I have gotten myself between a rock and a hard place and only I can get me out of it. I am not even going to lie and say next time I will tell you that I lost 5 pounds because i probably won't. I will tell you that I will be back because if notthing else, the desire to lose weight pounds away at me daily and I need a place to vent about it. Right now my shirt is riding up because i am so fat that nothing fits me anymore. Its sad and ridiculous and I wish I was strong enough to just fucking say no! But I am weak and powerless against this problem. Only God can help me.

Ever find yourself..

looking at before and after pictures, reading weight loss tips, registering for weight loss websites, only to want to cry afterwards? Its so overwhelming. I know what a long hard road I have ahead of me. Its like, oh do this and do that and you'll lose weight and I just want to scream, well I would do all that if I wasn't so busy changing diapers! Right this second my entire house looks like a tornado ran thru it. I hesitate to even think about preparing food in my kitchen, let alone healthy food. Which is where all the take out comes from. I hate washing dishes with a passion. I end up getting all fricking wet and my hands get all dried out.  So I put it off and it gets worse. And harder. I am something of a germaphobe too. So its like, strange. I can't stand being near messes but at the same time I dont want to touch them to clean them up. And there is the whole weight watchers thing. Nice to know, but I have never been good with strict regimins unless someone is breathing down my neck and i have been to all sorts of meetings and no one really takes an interest in me. So I am on my own. No one else in my home is interested in losing weight so I am the poop on the parade cuz I want to do this and do taht get rid of the junk food yadda yadda and they are a) sick of it cuz I dont lose weight anyways and b) not wanting to get rid of the junk food because they can control their eating. Maybe I should just move out.

Glory be to God, I thank Him for this day!

I stepped on the scale and I gained! Like five pounds in a day. So I dont know whats up with that but I suppose it has something to do with the fact that i ate pizza the other night and mexican last night and its probably just catching up with me. I need to take control of my life. I am so wishy washy, I spend way to much time on the internet and I smoke. I havent been stick to things that really matter to me and I seem to drift more towards instant gratification. I need to knock it off and get serious and I mean with myself. I know what I want but I am not doing all the things that it takes to get there. Why? Well bad habits die hard. Thats part of it. Irresponsible as well. Fear of being on a diet for the rest of my life because that is unknown territory.  Anger about having to change my ways when my husband can eat whatever he wants and not gain an ounce. Laziness when it comes to meal planning and making sure that I have the foods that i need to stay on track in the house...talking myself INTO eating what I am not supposed to instead of talking myself OUT of it. The meal planning is a HUGE thing because I don't like to do it but it makes all the difference in the world. I spend time here that I could be spending with my kids or cleaning the house. I have spare moments here and there that are perfect for being online but I am online like 5 or six times a day...doing meaningless things like reading about Paris Hilton's latest mess up or picking apart the myspace of someone that I have been holding a grudge against. I mean really stupid stuff I do here, unproductive and I need to get it together. Time to make that list of priorities and stick to it, for better or for worse.

God

Family including me. There are many aspects to this but lets just see where it takes us. I need to take care of myself to be there for my family. That means no smoking and lose a lot of weight. Prepare healthy meals. Be patient. Clean and organize. Plan family together times. Read and do homework with Andres consistently. Teach Baby things and play with him. Spend time communicating with husband. Make my mom's life easier every chance I get. Make to-do lists and get things done so that we don't end up with problems like no insurance. Take time for myself that is scheduled, so that I don't end up spending all my time on me and me only. Time to work a little harder at being a better person. Be careful financially by making sure things are paid before spending and tithing faithfully. Get 9 hours of sleep a night because that seems to be the only way that i can function properly.

I dont know if i should say that my education and work are next or my church family. Church family I suppose but I havent been going to church for long so i am going to get back to you on that one.

Education, save for school. Work, lay out clothes night before and do the best that I can. Be on time and ready to go.

Accept that things are not going to be perfect all the time and be content with an imperfect life. Realize that no one is perfect and move on. Set up routines because they are good for everyone involved. A little bit of predictability in a world full of turmoil. 

Have faith because with God all things are possible.

My mini goal

 I am losing 3 pounds to get me really started. I am close. When I see myself below 280 it is going to really set me rolling in the right direction and nothing is going to stop me from doing it. I dedicate my weight loss to the Lord Jehovah because with Him all things are possible but without Him, I am nothing and I can do nothing. Amen.

Love, Teresa

Glory be to God, Amen.

I was using the weight watchers points traker online and I realized that yesterday i ate 60points!!! And yesterday I didn't eat as much as I usually do because I have been eating like 3 Little Debbie snacks and a few sodas and meals and whatever I can get my hands on , Oreos...I mean , just anything I was just putting it in my mouth. I am so glad that my eating is now getting under control. WW suggests creating a journal of the things that I am doing right so here it is.

I am:

drinking alot of water

tracking what I eat for better or for worse

avoiding cigarettes as long as I can in the morning in an attempt to get used to life without them

reading the Bible and trying to please God a little more each day

running up and down the stairs alot

learning from the success stories that I read

cleaning up when i dont feel like it to get my body moving and provide a clean house for my family

journaling!

And that is enough for now I think. I have some things to do this morning so I am going to get to work. TTY all later!